he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My balls are so social today.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
