I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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