I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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