Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
