I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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