Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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