She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize