the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
