Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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