I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
