I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
