Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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