my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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