There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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