i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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