dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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