Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
