WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
