I think I died a long time ago.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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