Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
