woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
