Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize