Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
