Just fell off a train. Bad.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
