I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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