Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
