We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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