It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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