Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
