I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
