Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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