Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Don't make out with my wife yet
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Randomize
