I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
