Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize