Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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