this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
This house was built for laser tag.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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