please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
