Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
