I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
