she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
