He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
