my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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