First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
