I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
