Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
