I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
