chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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