I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
