My Higher Power is John Stamos
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
