new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
