Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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