I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
