she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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