Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
