need another drink. this is the easiest way
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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