found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
