I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
