I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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