My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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