you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
