I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
