K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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