I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
