Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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