he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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