I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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