And the cops told us we were all naked.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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